Self Doubt, Frustrations but not Defeated

So it is a few days after Independence Day and I am finally getting to my July blog.

First of all, It was an awesome celebration of our 250-year anniversary and the older I get the prouder, rather, more grateful I am to be living in the greatest country on the planet. I try to avoid too much political commentary, but we are absolutely the last bastion of true freedom in the world.

Did you know that in some countries people have been arrested for just posting opinions online and they are literally arresting people for praying in public? They are accusing people of pre-thought crimes like in the movie Minority Report. Thank God for our Constitution and Bill of Rights, certainly something worth fighting for.

Life Creates Challenges

Anyway, I digress, I hurt my elbow golfing about a week ago now and have been behind on a few tasks. Not only Master Key Experience (MKE) related but everything in general. I haven’t been able to lift weights, golf or even use my rowing machine.

I can’t even maintain my garden or property the way I like, and my shop is a total disaster. I realize more and more that my mood and general attitude is really impacted by my physical exercise and diet. True Health is my primary Personal Pivotal Need (PPN) and it really blows my mind how quickly I can still fall out of habit or rather go back to poor habits.

I think this is a good reminder of why it is so important to maintain all the things we have learned through the MKE and be diligent. Much like last month when I was talking about the Sermon on the Mount and how much I learned from it, I recognize that I am still so easily swayed, or perhaps, dismayed, from staying vigilant.

Life is always creating challenges, yet I know I am not supposed to worry or be afraid. Things do always seem to work out, but it can be really hard to keep your chin up at all times.

Self Doubt in the Wake of Grief

I really try to maintain a positive attitude and certainly am very grateful for all my blessings and good or misfortune, even though they are cyclical like everything else. I have experienced a great deal of loss over the past 4.5 years but was shielded by some financial success and distractions during most of that time.

Now that things are not as busy, I am burdened by thoughts of self doubt, frustration, regret and really find myself missing those who have departed my life. I know it is part of the journey and there will be more to come and eventually myself.

Yet in less than 5 years I lost all 3 of my uncles, one only 66, my mom 3 yrs ago, who also was 66, my wife’s older brother at 52 from organ failure, my best friend of 32 years just gone at 49, my only sibling, Katrina overdosed less than 2 years ago at 39 and just one month ago my dad’s partner of 28 years died in the hospital. All deep, crushing losses in of themselves.

During the same time frame, we also had an employee commit suicide and another exactly my age died in his bathroom all alone and was not discovered until the weekend was over by his supervisor. Our youngest employee had a homeless person jump in front of him in our work truck and died on the scene.

There has been a lot more pain and tribulations like betrayal and theft besides those deaths alone, and I do not think I have really dealt with all of it. I mean I have grieved each situation differently but haven’t really sat back and just processed it all.

That along with general life struggles of being a husband of nearly 30 years to my wife and business partner that is dealing with perimenopause and a father to a 13-year-old girl starting her own journey at womanhood has had an intense impact on me.

Then there is all of my own personal suffering…..my childhood traumas that I have briefly mentioned previously. All these things can affect us differently, all are relative, and scars us uniquely.

We All Have Challenges

We all suffer certain circumstances that challenge our beliefs and our faith. It’s not that any of us live in perfect harmony and bliss yet we still strive to get closer, to be better, to have more Joy. Whether through religion or spirituality or this MKE journey.

Regardless if it is my White color code or simply distracting myself from all the things that God gives me the opportunity to learn from, I am forever grateful that I have absorbed how to impact my future with my habits and thoughts, for good or bad.

Even though I am frustrated, disappointed, doubtful and angry at myself for all of the things I could have done differently, I am going to continue to do my best to finish out this life with faith, confidence, belief and passion.

Self Doubt, But Not Defeated, Not Alone

Most importantly, forgiveness, to all others, past and future but most importantly to myself.

I am struggling right now, but I am not defeated. I will keep doing my best to move forward and accept those who will be there for me. I am not alone because we are all actually one. In fact my willingness and desire to help others where and when I can is what is going to come back to me.

Our choices are our greatest rewards.

Discover what hold you back at markjquiz.com

Until next time…….